I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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