I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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