you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
