1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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