I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
