he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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