before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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