I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
