Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
