I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
