i would punch a child for taco bell
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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