The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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