I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START