Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring