either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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