Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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