So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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