think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
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He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
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shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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