Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
