i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I need to sanitize my soul.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
did i just pee glitter
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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