Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
