Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
