I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
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Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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