But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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