what day is it and did you see me today?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
