Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
