Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Come on in and take your pants off
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize