i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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