My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
