I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
