12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
