Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We left an ass print on the piano.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
