My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
