Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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