I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
