hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
