The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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