Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
