Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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