Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Never joke about your clitoris.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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