First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
