I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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