Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Congratulations! We have a period
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