I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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