Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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