i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
We were destined to go to rehab together
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
