there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
