What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
