I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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