In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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