he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
