My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
