Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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