whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
