Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
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do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
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I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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